A funny but true story
Dear White Men (and Women) Stop Running To Blac Brown Women After Your Women Break You
We don’t want your sad, sloppy seconds
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Let me preface this story by saying this is not about all white people or the faithful and loving few who honor, respect Black and brown people. This story is not about white people who are proudly and happily married to Black and brown people like: Alexis Ohanian, Paul Wall, and many others. This is about your troubling brethren — like Chet Hanks, Meghan Markle’s dad, Whoppi Goldberg and Halle Berry’s exes who seem to date or pursue Black and brown women by default, convenience, selfish or nefarious reasons.
This is about white men (and some women) who date or marry, use and abuse Black and brown women and engage in problematic behavior like:
· Using us to nurse your wounds, build you up and then casting us aside when you return to white women and get a come-up — sometimes neglecting their own Black and brown children in the process (Kevin Federline)
· Calling us the “N” word or other hateful, racist slurs in anger or on their way out… Shout out to Halle’s ex-husband who seemed to actually love her and defended her honor from her “alleged” abusive and racist ex-boyfriend
My story
I’ve been dating white men almost exclusively for over 15 years — not because I was actively seeking them, but because of proximity, age and good old fashion racism’s influence on education, socioeconomic status, and beauty standards. The dating pool of eligible, sane and single Black men is small and get’s even smaller over 40.
Yet, I’m hopeful because contrary to the stereotypes and popular belief — most of the successful Black men I know are blissfully, married to “phenomenal” Black women and others are not an option for various reasons.
However, I’m hopeful. I deliberately moved to a predominantly Black neighborhood to have a better chance of meeting a Black man.
After my last long term relationship with an ethnic white guy, I decided to focus on myself and refocus my energy on dating Black and brown men because the political climate has seemed to not only bring racists out the woodwork — but now they think it’s ok to dust off their plaid shirts, clean up the room in their mom or sibling’s house and get themselves a “colored woman”.
I wrote about this a year ago in a piece originally called Dating Diversity which I’ve renamed, Saying Goodbye To White Guys and the nonstop killings and this current political climate has only strengthen my resolve.
We are about to have real grown folk conversation — so buckle up buttercup, it’s reality check time:
The truth is: racist white men have NEVER a problem having sex with Black women — I think John Mayer and only a few foolish others claim to have a “racist penis”. Thank you Vulture for breaking this story.
Little known Black History fact (from Tom Joyner)- African women were raped by white men on a regular basis and produced the varied hued “Black people across the African diaspora”. So when you see the various colors, facial features, and hair textures in African Americans, Afro Latinas, and Caribbean people — racism, rape, and slavery played a big part. America loves to romanticize and revise our history, but it’s true.
Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings wasn’t a love story — it was twisted tale of statutory rape, infidelity and adultery of the worse kind because Sally was the underaged, half Black sister, of Jefferson’s wife. Our forefather, fathered children with his enslaved sister-in-law with whom he used his power and privilege to make her sex slave. The historical society found a secret room near Jefferson’s bedroom that helps confirm the story; although they originally speculated that Heming’s children were from Thomas Jefferson’s brother.
White men have a long history of going to “exotic” places and taking advantage of women and children and it continues to this day. How many poor Asian women are bought and brought here, married to some of the most sketchy characters America has to offer. (I would include Be Best, but she’s eastern European; nevertheless -my heart goes out to all women who are forced to marry American men for a better life.)
Every time, I see a weird looking or morbidly obese white man I know a mail order bride isn’t too far behind and I feel sorry for HER. The stories I’ve heard from both sides are tragic, but it goes back to white men having a long history of going to Black and brown women when they’re rejected and dejected by white women and it’s not good.
The disturbing trend: White men (and some women) wait until white women have left them broken financially, physically and mentally or simply just rejected, neglected and used until they’re a sad, shadow of their former selves to NOW deem Black and brown women worthy of their whiney, damaged, depleted and often dramatic a$$es?
No, thank you!
It’s bad enough you’re coming to us broke, but you’re bringing the physical and mental health problems you’ve neglected through life or previous marriages and all your bad habits, hygiene and boundary issues with your family members, ex and kids. We don’t want you — and the “colored” chicks you get (on your quest to get a good woman) are often just as chaotic and imbalanced as you — otherwise why would they be with you?
Then, you luck up and meet a good Black or brown woman like me who works hard, has some sense, her own home, car, etc. and you want to emotionally vomit on us and plant your weary, weak bones on our sofa and think your grown, semi-racist kids are coming to “visit” and secretly move in. That would be a no, again.
Oh and the exes — are THE WORST! Most of them also don’t have any boundaries and want to be your “new best friend” or torture toy because they’re bored, miserable and racist. I haven’t met a white man who’s white ex hasn’t maliciously taken everything they own or literally stolen money — even when they have adult children.
In honor of Women’s Month — white men get help. Go to therapy, go to the doctor and get your skin, stomach, weight and mental health problems under control before you bother Black and brown women. Read some books on how to stop being a racist jerk with a Black or Asian “girl” fetish. Biggest tip: if you’re over 18 — stop calling Black and brown women, “girls” we hate it and slowly hate you more every time you say it.
Maddening myths and things white men must stop assuming and saying out loud
- Black women are strong, bossy — umm so Black women aren’t the same and if we are bossy it’s for protection, by default or defense of our bodies, lives or families. America hasn’t been kind to Black women — perhaps we can relax and soften when we’re not in constant danger in and outside of our homes, communities and workplaces
- Black women are more passionate or good in bed — I can only speak for myself — my performance isn’t based on experience because I haven’t had a lot — but like most women if I’m inspired, comfortable and happy — “I’ll give you the best that I got” like Anita Baker
- We’re natural caregivers — PLEASE give up the mammy or nanny fantasy, stereotype or experiences. We’re not here to serve you and the racial dynamic makes it even creepier if you expect it. Once again, if I’m being nurturing that’s because I want to be and you must be doing your part — not because I was born to serve, cook, clean or any of the other things you think Black and brown women are “naturally good at”…
- DON’T TAKE OUR KINDNESS OR SILENCE AS WEAKNESS — too many friends, and family members have had some horrific experiences with abusive white men who knew they could get away with it because of their power and privilege. Stop thinking you can take your pain and frustration with white women or racist rage out on Black and brown women. Times up — we’re talking and we’re not taking it anymore.
White women:
- We’re not plotting on your men — they come to us. If I could find a good brother, they wouldn’t even be an option…
- Please stop the mean girl or wine time games. If you’re smart, you should know we see right through you.
- We know your kids are spies — all kids are whether we train them to be or not… They naturally tell our business and what we say behind each other’s backs and when they get old enough they use it get what they want.
All of my experiences with white men haven’t been bad, but most weren’t great. They always ended in some weird story like:
- Dude #1: Loved Black women, but had an Asian woman fetish He spent our last date chatting up a young, Asian girl from our local shop. When we broke up he ended up with her. She barely spoke English and I don’t think she was 21 — he was in his late 30’s.
- Dude #2: Nice suburban dad turned out to be a drug addict who bought drugs from his son who only went to college to expand his drug business. When the kid got kicked out of college, he told him could come live with us. I broke things off. He ended his 20 year marriage because he caught his wife showing her boobs to her high school sweetheart via Skype…Oh and when he told his ex he was dating a Black women — she started having sex with their Black realtor and gave him details when he picked up their kids. I wish I could make this Priviletta mess up — but it’s true.
- Dude #3: Sweet guy — I really loved him. He was just strange and had several physical and mental health issues. He only knew how to cook pork chops, Italian sausage, canned succotash and green beans… He discovered his wife was into an alternative lifestyle. When we broke up and he was hospitalized, she had him sign over all his property and make her power of attorney. When he recovered he discovers she’s sold his two investment properties, kept the money, drained all his bank accounts, and ruined his credit by not paying any bills in 6 months.
- Then there are the countless guys are looking for Black dommes and into “ass worship” — that is a surprisingly substantial amount
I changed some things, but the situations were true. So…now do you understand why I’m single and not trying to mingle with another white guy again?
At the end of the day, race in America matters and if you’re going to date Black or brown women — make sure it’s because you love and respect us as women, not a new, exotic toy. Going into an interracial relationship with a color blind ideology erases and dismisses our culture and intersections of our identities. I’m a Black woman, but I’m also a professional and I love to travel and learn different languages.
There are a lot of lost souls and just because you met a poor Black or brown girl who let you call her racist or culturally insensitive names, joke or play racist games — that doesn’t make it right or acceptable for the next woman. You can’t joke about my “nappy” hair or say that any Black person looks like or compare us to animals. Black and brown women aren’t sassy, spicy, or more aggressive than white women. We may have some similarities, but we’re individuals.
Finally, Black women we have to wake up and grow up. The fairy tales aren’t true. The white knight in real life is into BDSM — like the dude from 50 Shades and our Prince died. Meghan married the last, good British one — so let’s be happy she dodged a old, flabby bullet (Piers Morgan) and set some real expectations.
White men, be brave and want us when you’re at your best — not when you’re broke and broken. If you can’t match our intellect, drive and ambition don’t waste our time.
Black and brown women stop taking less — period! You know a problem when you see them — use your God given sense and “just say no” like Nancy Reagan. We deserve the best no matter what race he is and when you settle for less you bring OUR collective value down. It’s not right that we’re judged for our entire race — but we are — so aim high like Serena, go global like Eve if you must have a white man for goodness sakes — make sure he’s an asset and worthy partner — not a liability and problematic like Chet Hanks or Bill Maher.
